TCHB-058 - Secret Records of a Certain Man 16

“Man is condemned to be free” – Sartre said so. We are chosen every day. We are chosen with the freedom to choose. Like breathing, I process materials today as well. Is this work, joy, escape, or an extension of the revelation God gave me? No one knows. I don't know either. Reason and erection are born from the same brain, they say. If that's the case, who can blame this restless state of mind? What I see before my eyes is a perfect body. Regular procedures, unhesitating actions, the irresistible silence of a woman. The old man's aesthetic eye has already reached the level of art. I hated it. But when I realized it, I was worshiping it. It is said that contempt is a distortion of longing, and that is exactly the case. I am reacting with my whole body to the material of the man I once thought was ‘the worst.’ It's as if my body forgave before my soul did. ‘Righteousness’ died a long time ago within me. The voice of my father, who said, “Don't lie,” still remains in my eardrums. But father, I don't want money. I want to ‘see.’ ‘Immoral material,’ right in front of my eyes. With all my might. If that's a sin, I'm already being punished. Every night, alone. By being involved in this industry, my credibility has crumbled like a sandcastle. If it became known to the world, “Die” would be sprayed on the door, cashiers at convenience stores would turn their faces away, and notifications from matching apps would fall silent forever. But even so, I upload today. The material, no, the soul. This act is already a ritual of self-destruction and an offering of regeneration. The women were remarkably well-groomed. The line of the back, the angle of the legs, the contour of the face. I watch as they break, narrowing my eyes. And I hold my breath. Beauty resides in destruction. The old man knows that. Why do people get excited by such footage? No, who decided that you shouldn't get excited? Law? Ethics? Or ‘common sense?’ “Common sense is nothing more than a pile of prejudices accumulated by the age of 18.” – Einstein said so too. Today, I drown in a sea of prejudice, delivering this ‘ethically worst and sexually best footage’ to you. So, please. Don't spread it too much. But if possible, I want you to watch it more than anyone else. This contradiction is my ‘honesty.’